stay calm

My husband and I had a challenging conversation the other night. I like to call this having a “difference of opinion”. 😉

Have you ever had a difference of opinion with someone? It happens, right?

So why not learn some ways to fight better? No, I don’t mean learn how to always win the fight.

What I’m saying is, let’s learn some better ways to fight so that we can find an amicable solution or so that we can at least can walk away with our feelings and the other person’s feelings in tact.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

7 Tips to Fight Better

Stop. Stay calm. This is important whether the conflict happens on social media or in person. The Bible calls this being “slow to anger,” and is full of verses that speak to the wisdom in remaining composed. Take a moment to stop and pray, even if it’s just a short, “Help me please, Lord.” Take time to think through what happened and ask yourself, “Am I really upset at this? Is this worth getting into a disagreement over?” If the answer is no, move on. If the answer is yes, it’s still a good idea to wait and try to keep your cool.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Acknowledge your own part in the conflict. What assumptions and expectations do you hold that are influencing how you talk about this situation? A related question to ask yourself is, ‘Did I do anything to offend the other person’? A familiar verse that supports this tip is Matthew 7:1-5. Christians are challenged to deal with the “log in your own eye” before you “take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” It is hypocritical to point out all the things your spouse, sibling, friend, or in-law did wrong if you won’t acknowledge your part in the problem.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Talk face-to-face and one-on-one. Whenever possible, go to the person and talk in private. Avoid venting to someone else. (Don’t fuss to your sister about your lazy husband or to your husband about your annoying coworker…you get the picture). Also avoid taking the issue to social media. I think we all know what can happen here. This is called “airing dirty laundry”, and it almost always turns out badly. In Matthew 18:15a, Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone”. This was a verse I saw over and over when I was researching this topic. Matthew 18:15-17 was used often as the key verse to show biblical conflict management.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Find common ground. Focus on the relationship. If you can find something you have in common with that person, you’re much more likely to be able to cooperate, acknowledge the other person’s feelings, show that you care about that person, be honest about your feelings, and be respectful of the other person’s feelings . Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that our enemy isn’t flesh and blood but the spiritual forces of evil. Remember, the other person isn’t your enemy – Satan is, and he’s the one who wants the conflict to tear apart your relationship.

Listen. Let the other person talk, even if you’re the one who brought up the issue because you were hurt or wronged. After you explain what’s wrong, allow the other person to have his/her say, too. Sit quietly. Don’t plan your retort. Just listen. It’s ok to ask for clarification as the person is speaking – to repeat some of the things he/she said to be sure you understood – but leave some space for her otherwise. There may be some underlying issues you don’t know about or unspoken expectations or assumptions that have made the problem worse.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Focus on the main issue. It is very likely that other problems will surface while you’re trying to work this out. While those shouldn’t be ignored completely, they should be sidelined for the moment as you focus on the current situation. What offended you in the first place? If it was the fact that your husband doesn’t help with the dishes and cleaning the kitchen after dinner, you’ll have to table the issue of him not helping get the kids in the bed and come back to that later.

Forgive. Give grace. Did you know that God wants us to put our worship on hold and forgive someone we have a grudge against first. It’s THAT important. Matthew 5:23-24 says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” God wants us to come before Him with clean hearts – not hearts burdened with contempt over an offense or argument.

The next time you find yourself having a difference of opinion with someone, remember these tips. Take a moment to stop, pray, and ask for God’s guidance. Then, go to this person, and begin the conversation.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Think back to some recent conflicts you’ve had. Which of these tips did you use? Which ones didn’t you use? How did the use of these tips (or lack thereof) influence the way the conflict was handled?

Can you think of other helpful tips to share?

For more on the subject of biblical conflict management read When Your Feelings Are Hurt. Also, see What To Do If You Have a Critical Spirit.

I used the following resources in my research for this post:
9 Ways to Handle Conflict Biblically

Conflict Resolution

Experiencing Intercultural Communication 4th Edition

Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters 8th Edition

Sermon: Jesus’ Plan for Resolving Conflict – Matthew 5, 18

Tips and Tools for Healthy Conflict Resolution

Ethan was sitting in the backseat of the car listing his favorite songs that play on K-Love, the Christian radio station we play. Then, Hillsong United’s “So Will I” came on, and he quickly added, “ Oh, I like this one, too.” Bill and I looked at each other and grinned, thankful that he is listening to, learning to sing, and appreciating music that glorifies God.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

It reminded me that he’s a good kid – he’s not perfect, no one is – but he’s got a good heart (and he loves the Lord, thank goodness).

Why is it so difficult, then, to be his mommy? Why do I lose my temper with him so often?

In “A #parentingfail – Part 1”, I explained how I struggle with my temper when dealing with difficult situations with my children. Then, in “A #parentingfail – Part 2”, I shared how God revealed that He wasn’t going to take away my temper problem.

Today, I want to explore what I have learned so far on my 9-year parenthood journey. The lessons have come from trial-and-error, tears, arguments, seeking advice from other moms, reading parenting articles, and just good ol’ experience.

Ethan, Emery, and I pose together on our vacation last summer (2017).

I’m not professing to be an expert…the last few posts have shown quite the contrary. Despite this fact, I know I have learned some valuable lessons along the way, and I want to pass along some of these tidbits.

Granted, it is still difficult to act on what I know when I’m in the throws of dealing with disobedience or tantrums. That being said, here’s what parenthood has taught me so far:

Stay Calm – I know, I know…start off with a difficult one, but if you can stay calm, you could keep the situation from escalating.
Photo Credit: Pinterest
Walk Away – It’s ok to admit you need a minute when you feel yourself losing it.
Get on Their Level – Rather than towering over them and literally talking down to them, sit or kneel so you can look them in the eye.
Give Choices – When possible, allow them to choose or at least couch their responsibilities as a choice. Ask, “Do you want to brush your teeth or make your bed first?” Sometimes I ask this during the “Get Ready for School” routine in the morning. Ultimately, they’ll have to do both but making it seem like they have choices sometimes helps things go more smoothly.
Don’t Hover – My kids do better, whether on their own or playing with others, when I am not standing over them waiting to correct every mistake they make.
Relax Your Need for Control – Looking back, I can see that many of the blowups I’ve had with my kids were because I insisted on having something done the way I wanted it, when I wanted it. Now, I try to ask myself if I must have it done my way or if I can give them the chance to do it their way.
Shut-up – I’m pretty sure that God has said this to me a few times – almost audibly. I don’t have to have the last word. I may not even have to have a word at all. Sometimes I should just shut up.
Be specific, simple & direct with instructions – This is especially helpful when the kids are younger. Don’t give a long list of complicated steps and details. Give one step at a time, wait for that to be done, and then give the next step.
Be positive – Look for the things they are doing well, and give compliments. Also, try to have a more positive mindset about your children overall. Once you view them negatively (because of their behavior, for example) it is difficult to redirect yourself to have a positive outlook. If you find yourself thinking more negative then positive thoughts, think of 3 good things about your child. Write them down if you want. List more than 3 – as many as you can, in fact. This simple exercise will help refocus your mind on the wonderful things about your children. (And keeps Satan from stealing your joy…I’ll talk about that next week).

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Be present/Put down your phone – You could also say turn off the television, get away from the computer, or put down the tablet. We need to look at our children, talk to them, listen to them, play what they want to play, allow them to help when they want, and focus on them when they need our attention.
Be consistent – (Insert eye roll here, especially if you read Part 1 and feel my pain). You may have to keep it up for five years before you see the fruits of your labor, but it is important to stick to your guns. Ethan is 9, and over the past 4 years or so, we have started to notice him doing things, unprompted, that we had been trying to teach him for years! HALLELUJAH!

For the sake of keeping my posts as brief as possible, I’ll stop there and finish sharing the list next week. I’ve saved the most important one for last, so you’ll have to come back 😉 Also, I’m going to reveal my first guest blogger who’ll write for you the last week in April. You don’t want to miss the announcement!!!

P.S. Here’s “So Will I” – one of Ethan’s favorite songs 🙂

Servant Girl Stories

Writing the stories God gave me so others will know His love

7 Tips for Fighting Better

A #parentingfail – Part 3