7 Tips for Fighting Better

My husband and I had a challenging conversation the other night.  I like to call this having a “difference of opinion”. 😉

Have you ever had a difference of opinion with someone?  It happens, right?

So why not learn some ways to fight better?  No, I don’t mean learn how to always win the fight.

What I’m saying is, let’s learn some better ways to fight so that we can find an amicable solution or so that we can at least can walk away with our feelings and the other person’s feelings in tact.

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7 Tips to Fight Better

  • Stop.  Stay calm.  This is important whether the conflict happens on social media or in person.  The Bible calls this being “slow to anger,” and is full of verses that speak to the wisdom in remaining composed.  Take a moment to stop and pray, even if it’s just a short, “Help me please, Lord.”  Take time to think through what happened and ask yourself, “Am I really upset at this?  Is this worth getting into a disagreement over?” If the answer is no, move on. If the answer is yes, it’s still a good idea to wait and try to keep your cool.
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  • Acknowledge your own part in the conflict.  What assumptions and expectations do you hold that are influencing how you talk about this situation?  A related question to ask yourself is, ‘Did I do anything to offend the other person’? A familiar verse that supports this tip is Matthew 7:1-5.  Christians are challenged to deal with the “log in your own eye” before you “take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”  It is hypocritical to point out all the things your spouse, sibling, friend, or in-law did wrong if you won’t acknowledge your part in the problem.
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  • Talk face-to-face and one-on-one.  Whenever possible, go to the person and talk in private.  Avoid venting to someone else. (Don’t fuss to your sister about your lazy husband or to your husband about your annoying coworker…you get the picture).  Also avoid taking the issue to social media. I think we all know what can happen here. This is called “airing dirty laundry”, and it almost always turns out badly.  In Matthew 18:15a, Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone”. This was a verse I saw over and over when I was researching this topic.  Matthew 18:15-17 was used often as the key verse to show biblical conflict management.

 

 

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  • Find common ground.  Focus on the relationship.  If you can find something you have in common with that person, you’re much more likely to be able to cooperate, acknowledge the other person’s feelings, show that you care about that person, be honest about your feelings, and be respectful of the other person’s feelings .  Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that our enemy isn’t flesh and blood but the spiritual forces of evil.  Remember, the other person isn’t your enemy – Satan is, and he’s the one who wants the conflict to tear apart your relationship.

 

  • Listen. Let the other person talk, even if you’re the one who brought up the issue because you were hurt or wronged.  After you explain what’s wrong, allow the other person to have his/her say, too. Sit quietly. Don’t plan your retort.  Just listen. It’s ok to ask for clarification as the person is speaking – to repeat some of the things he/she said to be sure you understood – but leave some space for her otherwise.  There may be some underlying issues you don’t know about or unspoken expectations or assumptions that have made the problem worse.
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  • Focus on the main issue.  It is very likely that other problems will surface while you’re trying to work this out.  While those shouldn’t be ignored completely, they should be sidelined for the moment as you focus on the current situation.  What offended you in the first place? If it was the fact that your husband doesn’t help with the dishes and cleaning the kitchen after dinner, you’ll have to table the issue of him not helping get the kids in the bed and come back to that later.

 

  • Forgive.  Give grace. Did you know that God wants us to put our worship on hold and forgive someone we have a grudge against first.  It’s THAT important. Matthew 5:23-24 says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”  God wants us to come before Him with clean hearts – not hearts burdened with contempt over an offense or argument.

 

The next time you find yourself having a difference of opinion with someone, remember these tips.  Take a moment to stop, pray, and ask for God’s guidance. Then, go to this person, and begin the conversation.

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Think back to some recent conflicts you’ve had.  Which of these tips did you use? Which ones didn’t you use? How did the use of these tips (or lack thereof) influence the way the conflict was handled?

Can you think of other helpful tips to share?

For more on the subject of biblical conflict management read When Your Feelings Are Hurt.  Also, see What To Do If You Have a Critical Spirit.

I used the following resources in my research for this post:
9 Ways to Handle Conflict Biblically

Conflict Resolution

Experiencing Intercultural Communication 4th Edition

Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters 8th Edition

Sermon: Jesus’ Plan for Resolving Conflict – Matthew 5, 18

Tips and Tools for Healthy Conflict Resolution

Rethink the Resolution

Don’t make any New Years resolutions for 2018.

If you’ve already made some, just forget ‘em.  Statistically speaking, most people don’t keep their resolutions anyway.  I quit making them several years ago because I didn’t keep them.

Resolutions are a little self-centered anyway, don’t you think?  We resolve to lose 20 pounds or stop smoking or train for a 5k or cut gluten from our diets or get out of debt.  Now, don’t get me wrong, these are all good things.  It wouldn’t be bad to determine to do some of them in 2018.

But, I propose we do something more God-centered in 2018.  Let’s make a pledge with God, for God, rather than making resolutions with ourselves, for ourselves.  Let’s pledge to strengthen our relationship with God this year.

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How do we do that?  Well, how do we strengthen a relationship with anyone in our lives: spouse, child, parent, sibling, co-worker, neighbor or friend?

Engage with that person.  Talk with that person.  Listen to that person.

Engage. Talk. Listen.

This is how we build and grow our relationship with God as well.

Engage with God’s Word in the Bible.  Talk with Him in prayer.  Listen to Him in quiet time.

Hebrews 4:12 tells us about God’s Word: The Word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Commentary in the English Standard Version says, “The Word of God then acts as God Himself, so that one’s innermost thoughts and intentions are exposed.  This happens constantly in Christians’ lives.”

When you read God’s Word, it physically does things to you because it behaves as God Himself.  To borrow words from the verse, it is alive, it is sharp, it pierces or cuts, and it discerns or judges.  When you read God’s Word, it drives through to your very core and exposes everything to God – what you think, what you feel, what you intend to do, your fears, your values, your beliefs, everything.

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What do you think will happen if everything in our hearts is exposed to God?  He will give us grace and mercy, and He will change our hearts.  He will align our hearts with His will, and when our hearts are brought in line with His will, our relationship with Him deepens.

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Talking with God in prayer will also take us closer to Him.  Sometimes people ask why we should talk to God when He already knows our thoughts.

Let me use an illustration I have heard so many times that I cannot give credit to the original source.  Just know that it didn’t come from me.

Imagine you’re in a romantic relationship – married or dating.  This is someone you supposedly care about very much.  Imagine what would happen to this relationship if you never talked to this person.  You sat beside this person on the couch and watched TV or you rode beside this person in the car and texted or you sat across from this person at the table and ate your food, but you didn’t talk.  You didn’t share your feelings or reveal your fears or discuss your goals or tell this person you loved him or her.

Bottom line: this relationship would not last.

It works the same way with God.  He wants us to talk to Him and with Him.  He wants to hear from us.  He wants us to share our fears and our desires with him.  What’s more, the Bible assures us over and over that He is listening. And He hears our prayers.

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One such verse is Psalm 34:15.  It says, “The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and His ears hear their cry.”

He.Is.Listening.

Talk to Him.

However, the most important way to go deeper in your relationship with God in 2018 is to listen to God.

Remember the scenario of the romantic relationship earlier?  Well, let’s say you do talk when you’re with that person.  You talk A LOT…about yourself: what you want, what you need, what you’re afraid of, what you think, what you don’t understand.  But, you’re so busy talking that you don’t listen to the other person’s fears, desires, and thoughts.  What will happen?

This relationship will not last.

Now, imagine this other person in the relationship where you’re doing all the talking is God – the Sovereign, the Most High, the Alpha and the Omega.  He knows all – including the purpose for our lives, so it stands to reason that we ought to listen to Him, probably even more than we talk to Him.

In Ecclesiastes 5:1-2, King Solomon talked about our attitude toward God.  He said, “Guard your steps as you go to the house of God, and draw near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools; for they do not know they are doing evil.  Do not be hasty in word or impulsive in thought to bring up a matter in the presence of God.  For God is in heaven and you are on earth; therefore let your words be few.”

Listening is imperative if we are going to grow closer with God.  We have to listen so He can tell us His will.  We have to listen so He can show us the way.  Then, when we do pray, our hearts are in line with His will, and we will want what He wants for our lives.  That should be our goal.

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We listen in our quiet time.  I’m sure you’ve heard this term, quiet time, before.  This is time we spend with God just listening. Being still.  Being quiet in mind and body and focusing on what He has to say to us.

Focus on what He tells you to do during this time.  Who does He want you to talk to?  Where does He want you to go?  What does He want you to do?  When you go to Him and are quiet, He will tell you.  As you listen to what God has to say, He changes your heart so that you want what He wants.

This is my pledge for 2018 – to spend time with God – reading His Word, talking with Him, and most importantly, listening to Him.  This year can be a year of spiritual change for you and for me if we will pledge to do these things to grow closer in our relationship with our God.

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Do you spend time praying, reading the Bible and/or listening to God?  If you do, what are some of the positive effects this has had on your life?

If you don’t do these on a regular basis, what do you think is keeping your from doing them?