“Why did you make me this way?”
I’d caught myself asking God similar questions before, but my bouts with these thoughts were coming more and more frequently.
“Why am I not friendly, like her?”
“Why don’t I feel like I belong here?”
“Why didn’t you make me more outgoing?”
“Why didn’t you make me this way or that way?”
When I stopped to think about it, the negative self-talk had been intensifying for over a year. Those thoughts were popping up in my head more often and were starting to take over. Sometimes, it seemed like all I could think.
One day, when I was particularly down on myself, running through the list of things I didn’t like about myself or things I couldn’t do and asking God why He hadn’t made me more this way or that way, He spoke into my spirit:
“If you’re always focused on what you aren’t, you’ll never see the things I DID create you to do, the abilities and strengths I DID give you.”
The thought quieted me.
Anytime I truly feel God speak into my spirit, the experience stills me, and it also convicts me.
He is right, of course.
When I focus on the negative, I won’t see the positive.
I won’t be able to see who God made me to be if I fixate on what I don’t like about myself.
Today, about a year or so after that encounter, I’d like to say the negative self-talk is gone, but it isn’t.
I continue to battle it.
However, since that encounter, God has shown me that those thoughts are encouraged by the enemy of my soul, Satan. My enemy wants to distract me and bog me down in the mire of self-pity, self-doubt, self-criticism…
If Satan can do that, he can distract me from glorifying God with my life.
When I catch those thoughts hurtling into my mind, I try to change the question. Instead, I’ll ask: “God, will you show me what you created me to do?”
“Father, would you help me show someone your love today?”
I don’t always catch myself. Sometimes I’m in the pit before I realize it, and the sludge is smothering me.
But, sometimes, I remember that those thoughts are not from my loving heavenly Father. He does not seek to tear me down like that. So, I turn my thoughts to Him.
Recently, I discovered Psalm 77, and it has helped me when the weight of my self-doubt or other pain creeps over me. I believe it will help you, too.
The pslam begins, “I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of my trouble, I see the Lord; in the night, my hand stretches out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted.” Psalm 77:1-2 (ESV)
I understand the trouble and weariness the psalmist is talking about.
Has your soul ever refused to be comforted?
The psalmist continues, asking, “Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” Psalm 77:7-9 (ESV)
When I’m in the pit, weighed down by self-doubt and negativity, it’s easy to think God has forgotten me, doesn’t see me, doesn’t know where I am, doesn’t care. It’s easy to think I’ll stay there.
Thankfully, there’s verse 10. It’s the turning point, the part that gives me strength to shut out the voice of the enemy and choose to look at my Father instead. When I get to that verse, I feel a smile at the corners of my mouth. My heart warms. My body relaxes.
“Then I said, I will appeal to this, to the years of the Most High. I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What God is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples.” Psalm 77:10-13 (ESV)
My prayer for you is that, as you read this part of the Psalm, you’ll also feel the peace of God that passes all understanding, that He’ll turn your mourning to dancing as you praise His good works.
When I focus on Him and things He has already done, all the other junk disappears, and I simply worship Him.
Will you worship Him today? Will you praise His name for what He has done?
That will make all the difference.