Help Me Get My Perspective Straight

September 19, 2019September 19, 2019 / hhooks / 2 Comments

We had a terrible morning. Not our worst ever but the worst this school year.

They wouldn’t go upstairs after breakfast to get ready for school. Then they wouldn’t come downstairs when it was time to go.

I raised my voice.

Alright…I yelled. I’m not proud, but I asked multiple times for them to come down, and they did not, so I yelled.

I hate sending them to school after a bad morning. I rehash my mistakes all day. And I told them that I felt that way.

But, we’ve been through this time and again – fussing at the to get ready for school each morning. Sometimes it’s better, but then it cycles back.

So, the whole way home from dropping them off, I asked God what to do about it. How to make our mornings go better.

When I got home, I quickly peeked at Facebook (so NOT what I should have been doing at that point. I know. But my mind needed to escape for a moment).

As soon as I opened the app, I saw a post requesting prayer for a young girl who’d been asked not to wear a cross necklace for her school pictures that day. She chose to take a stand, so the prayer request was for strength and protection for her.

I thought, ‘How crazy. Can a school actually ask someone not to wear a necklace with a cross on it?’

Whoever heard of such a thing?

Truthfully, I do not know the whole story. Surely there are extenuating circumstances.

But I stood in my kitchen thinking about it and began to worry about the world where my children are grown up.

That familiar quiver crept into my chin and bottom lip. That burn flared in my throat. Hot tears welled in my eyes.

Here I was, wasting energy and precious time worrying over how I was going to get my kids through the morning routine when there were issues of their souls to consider.

Teaching them to trust God is more important.

Leading them to a life in Christ is more pressing.

Preparing them for persecution from a world that does not know the Savior should be my focus.

I’m concentrating on trivial things. Things of this world. I’m allowing Satan to distract me with details while my children’s eternal souls are at stake.

Whoa! Hold on! This is getting a little too “out there,” right? I’m taking it too far. We’re just talking about two kids who won’t get ready for school in the morning. (Two kids who are in fifth and first grade, by the way, so we’ve been doing this morning routine thing for long, long time). No need to bring their souls and their salvation into it, right?

I mean, they have to learn to get ready for school. A mom’s job is to prepare her kids to live independently – part of that is learning to get ready for the day…so they do need to learn this lesson.

But what’s more important? What deserves more of my focus? How do I learn to balance the practical, real life, day-to-day lessons they need to get through life with the eternal lessons that matter for their souls?

I think that’s the real question: how do I balance everything?

How do I keep everything in perspective?

Seriously. This isn’t a rhetorical question…

Parents who’ve been there and done that – How do I do this? How do I balance the everyday and the eternal?

Make in Me a Clean Mouth, O God

April 25, 2019April 25, 2019 / hhooks / 1 Comment

Confession: I have had a terribly filthy mouth in my day.

I guess having a “potty-mouth,” as it’s sometimes called, felt like a safe thing to do to be rebellious 🙂 Would keep me from being a complete goodie-two-shoes…Wouldn’t get me in a ton of trouble…

That’s totally lame. I know it now.

Anyway, a combination of being married to someone who wasn’t much for cussing, having children and not wanting to talk like that around them, and beginning to walk with God cleaned up the filth, for the most part.

But sometimes I have, shall we say, relapses, and my tongue gets a little loose.

I had one such relapse a few weekends ago when Bill and I spent the weekend at the beach with my sister, Tiffany, and her husband, Josh. We went to celebrate my 40th birthday, and it was just what I hoped it would be: we laughed a lot. I took naps when I wanted. We went out to eat at “adult” times. We walked on the beach. We rode in the Jeep Wrangler…it was perfect.

Photo Credit: Tiffany Manley – Tiff and me in the back seat of the Jeep on the way to dinner. Call me crazy, but I have only ridden in a Wrangler a handful of times in my life…so it was on my list of things I wanted to do while I was at the beach celebrating my 40th 🙂

But, when I am around Tiffany…I might cuss a little…ok, I might cuss a lot. I guess I feel comfortable with her; I know she won’t think I’m a bad person.

Of course I knew at the time it was wrong, but I kept doing it.

Once the weekend was over and we got home, God began convicting me about my unholy talk.

During our morning devotion the Monday after our beach weekend, my director used some verses from Colossians, and one of them talked about how Christians needed to avoid filthy talk.

There were 15 or 16 verses in the devotion that morning, but I zeroed in on that one. I knew God was talking to me.

Image Credit: blessedmamasheaven.com

That afternoon, I texted Josh and Tiffany and apologized to them. I apologized to Bill as well.

A few days later during my quiet time, I read 2 Corinthians 2:15 about our lives being a sacrifice to God to use to reach people around us. This made me think of my mouth again. Everything I do and say reflects God to others. My life is how I worship Him.

Image Credit: Pinterest

What God was saying to me was obvious: I cannot have a filthy mouth and be a tool for God to use to draw people to Himself.

I worship God with my whole life – it is my sacrifice, and it is on display for all to see (and hear). There shouldn’t be any unholy talk.

No inappropriate jokes.

No foul language.

Image Credit: pinimg.com

Since I’ve taken the first two steps – acknowledged the conviction and apologized for my wrongdoing – I have to complete the journey. To fully repent, I must turn to God and away from the sin.

What does that look like?

Maybe I have fewer relapses.

Maybe I stop cussing altogether.

Maybe I don’t even think in cuss words anymore!

That would mean that I have truly and completely allowed God to change me – what I say and what I think.

And if those words don’t come out of my mouth, then they aren’t in my heart.

Image Credit: flickr.com

That is truly what I want to give back to God. A changed heart.

Pray this with me:

Thank you, Father for choosing me, and thank you for loving me. Thank you for sending your Son to die for me so that I could spend eternity with you in Heaven.

I want to be a tool for you to use, Father. Change me so you can use me.

My life is my worship, Lord; everything I do and say points to you once I say I am a Christian.

Continue to convict me. Continue to show me things in my life that need to be given over to you. Continue to make me more like you.

I want my life to be a sweet-smelling sacrifice to you – every part of it. Do this in me today, Father.

Amen

Image Credit: Pinterest

Change Your Mind and Turn, for the Kingdom of God is at Hand

March 22, 2019March 22, 2019 / hhooks / 2 Comments

“Sorry,” Ethan mumbles. He’s just knocked his cup of water onto the floor while talking and flailing his arms. We reminded him several times to move his cup away from the edge of the table.

“Sorry, mommy,” Emery says and scurries back to the bathroom. She’s left her dirty clothes on the floor…again.

“I messed up,” I confess to Bill after I discover that I didn’t pay a bill last month. As a result, this month’s bill is doubled AND we owe a late fee. Now we have to adjust our budget.

In each scenario, we said we were sorry for something we did wrong. In each scenario, we felt badly because of what happened.

This is what I always thought repentance was – feeling sorry when you did something wrong…maybe even taking it a step further and confessing your sin and asking someone to forgive you.

But my understanding of the word missed the mark.

Maybe it’s more accurate to say that some of the richness of the word was lost in translation.

In English, the word is typically used to mean feeling regret or feeling sorry and asking forgiveness. That’s how I always used it.

Then, I encountered another, richer meaning when I read Matthew’s gospel. In Chapter 3, Matthew introduces John the Baptist, Jesus’ cousin, who prepares the way for Jesus’ coming.

John said, “Repent, for the kingdom of God is at hand.” (Matthew 3:2)

Photo Credit: Pinterest

When I read commentary on this verse, I saw that, in the original Greek, the meaning of the word translated “repent” was “to change one’s mind.”

Also, I read that, when the Greek word for repent was used in the Old Testament, it meant to change your attitude toward God, to “turn from one way of thinking and living to a different way.”

The same commentary said when John the Baptist used it in Matthew 3:2, he was calling “for people to remove obstacles from their lives that might hinder their reception of the Messiah and his Kingdom.”

The discussion caught my attention; repenting went deeper than I realized.

To repent meant much more than simply saying I was sorry. It meant more even than asking someone to forgive me.

I kept repeating what I read:

Repent – change your attitude toward God

Repent – turn from your old way of thinking and living

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I fixated on that word – repent; I wanted to know more. So, I turned to a strategy I learned called word study: I look up the word in the concordances of my Bibles so I can read other verses where it’s used. This usually gives me a fuller understanding of the word as I read how it is used in scripture and as I read the discussion of that scripture in other commentaries.

During my word study on repentance, I read another commentary that explained that the word can refer to “the desire to turn from sin and restore one’s relationship with God.” 2 Corinthians 7:9

You see, sin separates us from God. I cannot come before God with unrepentant sin in my life. So when I am convicted of my sin, I have to repent – not just feel bad, not just ask for forgiveness, but change my mind about the sin and turn from it toward God.

Photo Credit: Truth For Life Blog

Repenting isn’t just a feeling I have.

Repenting is something I must do – an action; I have to change, and I have to turn.

It’s the whole “turning to God” piece that really convicts me, I think. To truly get rid of the sin, I have to change my mind about the sin and then look to God.

Since I have been walking with God, I have been asking Him to show my sin to me, to convict me of it. Since learning about the true meaning of repentance, I have started asking Him to not only show it to me, but to help me change my mind about it and then to tell me what to do instead.

The funny thing about talking to God and asking Him to do things is that He sometimes does what we ask 🙂 Especially the part about showing your sin to you and telling you what to do instead.

Next week, I’ll share a sin-trap I am falling into and how I am turning from it toward God.

The Right Way to Fold a Bath Towel

July 27, 2018July 26, 2018 / hhooks / Leave a comment

(Author’s Note: Sometimes, in this terrible wonderful journey called parenting, I catch myself doing something so totally ridiculous that I absolutely must share it).

“Here. I’ll show you how to do it,” for the hundredth time, I thought as I took the bath towel from my son and showed him the right way to fold it.

The right way to fold bath towels is the way my mama taught me, by the way.

“Why does it matter how I fold it as long as it is folded?” Ethan asked.

Seemed like a genuine question. I didn’t think he was trying to be smart aleck.

I started to answer. I started to explain that it was the right way to do it because I said it was the right way.

But then I stopped.

And I thought about it.

Does it really matter? Does it really matter how the towels are folded as long as they fit into the linen closet?

Is this a battle worth fighting? A hill worth dying on?

Probably not, to be honest.

If I can get the kids to fold towels, I should just be happy that they are helping, right?

So I kept my mouth shut and let him fold the towels however he folded them…

You can see how this would never properly fit into the linen closet, right?!

And then I went behind him later and folded them the way I wanted them folded before he took them upstairs to the linen closet.

Guess I didn’t learn my lesson this time. Maybe I’ll get it right next time.

7 Tips for Fighting Better

June 8, 2018June 8, 2018 / hhooks / 1 Comment

My husband and I had a challenging conversation the other night. I like to call this having a “difference of opinion”. 😉

Have you ever had a difference of opinion with someone? It happens, right?

So why not learn some ways to fight better? No, I don’t mean learn how to always win the fight.

What I’m saying is, let’s learn some better ways to fight so that we can find an amicable solution or so that we can at least can walk away with our feelings and the other person’s feelings in tact.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

7 Tips to Fight Better

Stop. Stay calm. This is important whether the conflict happens on social media or in person. The Bible calls this being “slow to anger,” and is full of verses that speak to the wisdom in remaining composed. Take a moment to stop and pray, even if it’s just a short, “Help me please, Lord.” Take time to think through what happened and ask yourself, “Am I really upset at this? Is this worth getting into a disagreement over?” If the answer is no, move on. If the answer is yes, it’s still a good idea to wait and try to keep your cool.

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Acknowledge your own part in the conflict. What assumptions and expectations do you hold that are influencing how you talk about this situation? A related question to ask yourself is, ‘Did I do anything to offend the other person’? A familiar verse that supports this tip is Matthew 7:1-5. Christians are challenged to deal with the “log in your own eye” before you “take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” It is hypocritical to point out all the things your spouse, sibling, friend, or in-law did wrong if you won’t acknowledge your part in the problem.

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Talk face-to-face and one-on-one. Whenever possible, go to the person and talk in private. Avoid venting to someone else. (Don’t fuss to your sister about your lazy husband or to your husband about your annoying coworker…you get the picture). Also avoid taking the issue to social media. I think we all know what can happen here. This is called “airing dirty laundry”, and it almost always turns out badly. In Matthew 18:15a, Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone”. This was a verse I saw over and over when I was researching this topic. Matthew 18:15-17 was used often as the key verse to show biblical conflict management.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Find common ground. Focus on the relationship. If you can find something you have in common with that person, you’re much more likely to be able to cooperate, acknowledge the other person’s feelings, show that you care about that person, be honest about your feelings, and be respectful of the other person’s feelings . Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that our enemy isn’t flesh and blood but the spiritual forces of evil. Remember, the other person isn’t your enemy – Satan is, and he’s the one who wants the conflict to tear apart your relationship.

Listen. Let the other person talk, even if you’re the one who brought up the issue because you were hurt or wronged. After you explain what’s wrong, allow the other person to have his/her say, too. Sit quietly. Don’t plan your retort. Just listen. It’s ok to ask for clarification as the person is speaking – to repeat some of the things he/she said to be sure you understood – but leave some space for her otherwise. There may be some underlying issues you don’t know about or unspoken expectations or assumptions that have made the problem worse.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Focus on the main issue. It is very likely that other problems will surface while you’re trying to work this out. While those shouldn’t be ignored completely, they should be sidelined for the moment as you focus on the current situation. What offended you in the first place? If it was the fact that your husband doesn’t help with the dishes and cleaning the kitchen after dinner, you’ll have to table the issue of him not helping get the kids in the bed and come back to that later.

Forgive. Give grace. Did you know that God wants us to put our worship on hold and forgive someone we have a grudge against first. It’s THAT important. Matthew 5:23-24 says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” God wants us to come before Him with clean hearts – not hearts burdened with contempt over an offense or argument.

The next time you find yourself having a difference of opinion with someone, remember these tips. Take a moment to stop, pray, and ask for God’s guidance. Then, go to this person, and begin the conversation.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Think back to some recent conflicts you’ve had. Which of these tips did you use? Which ones didn’t you use? How did the use of these tips (or lack thereof) influence the way the conflict was handled?

Can you think of other helpful tips to share?

For more on the subject of biblical conflict management read When Your Feelings Are Hurt. Also, see What To Do If You Have a Critical Spirit.

I used the following resources in my research for this post:
9 Ways to Handle Conflict Biblically

Conflict Resolution

Experiencing Intercultural Communication 4th Edition

Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters 8th Edition

Sermon: Jesus’ Plan for Resolving Conflict – Matthew 5, 18

Tips and Tools for Healthy Conflict Resolution

A #parentingfail – Part 4

April 20, 2018April 19, 2018 / hhooks / 3 Comments

This is the last in a series of 4 posts where I explore one of my parenting fails – my inability to control my temper when my kids push my buttons. If you’re just joining us, please go back and read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. The following list is a continuation of the tips I shared in Part 3 – helpful parenting tips I’ve learned so far.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Have structure – So much research supports the fact that children need structure (and even want it) by way of boundaries, rules, routines, and schedules. You don’t have to be rigid, but it is good to set rules and expect that children behave accordingly.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Delegate/Accept Help – Children love to help, especially when they are little. They may make more of a mess than you’d like or not do something exactly the way you want, but bite your tongue, be patient, and accept the assistance when they want to give it. Also, accept help from others – your mother-in-law, best friend, neighbor, husband – especially when you have tiny babies. Give others the blessing of being able to assist you.

Emery helping me wash the dishes – she was about 3.

Plan Ahead – Things go so much better when I have done as much as I can to prep ahead of time. Have the kids make school lunches and pack book bags the night before. Lay out clothes the night before. Plan an entire week of dinners the weekend before. Many of the screaming fits I have thrown have been in the morning before school when someone couldn’t find his homework or her shoes because those things weren’t put where they should have been ahead of time.
Respect Your Children’s Father – I realize this is controversial, but it simply has to do with how God wired us as male and female. Our children need to see that their mom respects their dad. I imagine this can be difficult if there is a separation or divorce. However, some of the most amicable separations/divorces I have seen have been between people who are still nice and respectful toward each other.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

If It Isn’t Working, Change It – Some of this advice may not apply or may not work based on your family culture. These aren’t written in blood. The best you can do is try them and then tweak them to fit best with the dynamics of your family.
Get to Know Your Kids – (a little long. Bear with me…I promise I will make a relevant point). In Henry Blackaby’s Experiencing God study, the author says, “In every situation God demands that you depend on Him rather than a method. The key is not a method but a relationship with God.“ He goes on to say, “ A formula is not the way to recognize God‘s voice either… If there was a formula… You would not have to seek God with all your heart. You could mindlessly use the formula and neglect your relationship with God.“ I think this applies to our children, (or anyone else in our lives for that matter). If there was a formula for interacting well with our kids, we would not have to seek genuine relationships with them; we wouldn’t have to spend time getting to know them. We could just rely on the formula – those five tips from that parenting article or that list of advice from that veteran mom. This isn’t to say that these things aren’t valuable or some methods aren’t worth your time; however, we shouldn’t completely rely on them. Get to know who your children are by spending time with them. For example, I learned early on that Ethan was an outdoor kid. He likes watching TV, but he LOVES being outside – digging in the dirt and rocks, exploring the woods, hunting for lizards and frogs, running in the yard having a Nerf gun war… That led me to notice that he and I also interact better when we are outside. Coop us up in the house all day, and tempers are likely to flare. Put us in the backyard, and we can jump on the trampoline, pull weeds and smell gardenia blossoms all day! I know this because I have spent time with him – watching him, talking to him, noticing what he likes to do, and so on. Now if we could just spend all our time outside, we’d be best buds! But, this is honestly one of the hardest things for me. It takes energy that I would rather not expend. It takes listening to and talking about and doing some things that don’t interest me (hello, Nerf gun wars?!). It takes time away from the things I want to do. It takes creativity and imagination. But I have to do it, and you have to do it, as often as we possibly can. This is building the relationship, and this is what our children need most (and it will do us a world of good as well).

Photo Credit: Pinterest

My son isn’t a bad kid. More than likely, neither is your kid. Our kids are just being kids at their stage of development doing what kids do at that stage. As parents, we have to learn how to work through that as best we can and get out on the other side with our sanity and our relationships with our children in tact.

Above all else, we have to fight every day to choose joy in parenthood, or Satan will steal it. He’ll lull us into a cycle where we focus on all the things our children are doing wrong and miss all the wonderful things about them. That’s how he steals the joy in families, especially from mothers.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Oh man! That opens up so much more to talk about when it comes to our children, and more I should tell you about my struggle with my mommy-temper, but I should probably move on for now. I imagine there’ll be more opportunity for me to revisit this subject soon enough.

What situations are most difficult for you when it comes to your children’s behavior? What makes you “lose it”? What tips and advice have you found to work when you’re in tough interactions with your children?

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Next week is a first on the Servant Girl Stories blog – we’ll have a guest post! You’ll meet Leigh Anderson, founder of Be Still Mama, a women’s ministry at First Baptist Church of Indian Trail. Join me next week for her post about what happens when we have a critical spirit.

A #parentingfail – Part 3

April 12, 2018April 12, 2018 / hhooks / 1 Comment

Ethan was sitting in the backseat of the car listing his favorite songs that play on K-Love, the Christian radio station we play. Then, Hillsong United’s “So Will I” came on, and he quickly added, “ Oh, I like this one, too.” Bill and I looked at each other and grinned, thankful that he is listening to, learning to sing, and appreciating music that glorifies God.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

It reminded me that he’s a good kid – he’s not perfect, no one is – but he’s got a good heart (and he loves the Lord, thank goodness).

Why is it so difficult, then, to be his mommy? Why do I lose my temper with him so often?

In “A #parentingfail – Part 1”, I explained how I struggle with my temper when dealing with difficult situations with my children. Then, in “A #parentingfail – Part 2”, I shared how God revealed that He wasn’t going to take away my temper problem.

Today, I want to explore what I have learned so far on my 9-year parenthood journey. The lessons have come from trial-and-error, tears, arguments, seeking advice from other moms, reading parenting articles, and just good ol’ experience.

Ethan, Emery, and I pose together on our vacation last summer (2017).

I’m not professing to be an expert…the last few posts have shown quite the contrary. Despite this fact, I know I have learned some valuable lessons along the way, and I want to pass along some of these tidbits.

Granted, it is still difficult to act on what I know when I’m in the throws of dealing with disobedience or tantrums. That being said, here’s what parenthood has taught me so far:

Stay Calm – I know, I know…start off with a difficult one, but if you can stay calm, you could keep the situation from escalating.
Photo Credit: Pinterest
Walk Away – It’s ok to admit you need a minute when you feel yourself losing it.
Get on Their Level – Rather than towering over them and literally talking down to them, sit or kneel so you can look them in the eye.
Give Choices – When possible, allow them to choose or at least couch their responsibilities as a choice. Ask, “Do you want to brush your teeth or make your bed first?” Sometimes I ask this during the “Get Ready for School” routine in the morning. Ultimately, they’ll have to do both but making it seem like they have choices sometimes helps things go more smoothly.
Don’t Hover – My kids do better, whether on their own or playing with others, when I am not standing over them waiting to correct every mistake they make.
Relax Your Need for Control – Looking back, I can see that many of the blowups I’ve had with my kids were because I insisted on having something done the way I wanted it, when I wanted it. Now, I try to ask myself if I must have it done my way or if I can give them the chance to do it their way.
Shut-up – I’m pretty sure that God has said this to me a few times – almost audibly. I don’t have to have the last word. I may not even have to have a word at all. Sometimes I should just shut up.
Be specific, simple & direct with instructions – This is especially helpful when the kids are younger. Don’t give a long list of complicated steps and details. Give one step at a time, wait for that to be done, and then give the next step.
Be positive – Look for the things they are doing well, and give compliments. Also, try to have a more positive mindset about your children overall. Once you view them negatively (because of their behavior, for example) it is difficult to redirect yourself to have a positive outlook. If you find yourself thinking more negative then positive thoughts, think of 3 good things about your child. Write them down if you want. List more than 3 – as many as you can, in fact. This simple exercise will help refocus your mind on the wonderful things about your children. (And keeps Satan from stealing your joy…I’ll talk about that next week).

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Be present/Put down your phone – You could also say turn off the television, get away from the computer, or put down the tablet. We need to look at our children, talk to them, listen to them, play what they want to play, allow them to help when they want, and focus on them when they need our attention.
Be consistent – (Insert eye roll here, especially if you read Part 1 and feel my pain). You may have to keep it up for five years before you see the fruits of your labor, but it is important to stick to your guns. Ethan is 9, and over the past 4 years or so, we have started to notice him doing things, unprompted, that we had been trying to teach him for years! HALLELUJAH!

For the sake of keeping my posts as brief as possible, I’ll stop there and finish sharing the list next week. I’ve saved the most important one for last, so you’ll have to come back 😉 Also, I’m going to reveal my first guest blogger who’ll write for you the last week in April. You don’t want to miss the announcement!!!

P.S. Here’s “So Will I” – one of Ethan’s favorite songs 🙂

A #parentingfail – Part 2

April 5, 2018April 11, 2018 / hhooks / 4 Comments

I could have sworn this post published last week…I even checked?! I must be crazy. Anyway, if this is a repeat, I apologize.

Author’s Note

Sharing things that I’ve failed at doesn’t exactly bring me joy. However, when I began to realize that I was going to have to be obedient to God’s conviction and write a blog, God showed me that I would have to be honest, real, vulnerable. That I would have to be truthful and tell you things about being a wife, a mom, a believer, a woman that maybe weren’t so glamorous or flattering or honorable or joyful. This was one reason I held off for so long. There are a lot of things I don’t want to tell you about myself. But, in the end, I realized that I am just God’s servant girl, and right now, He wants me to tell you some of the stories He’s given me so you can connect, so you can relate, so you can see God in my stories and in the stories that He’s given you. Last week, in A #parentingfail – Part 1, I had to disclose what I see as one of my biggest failings as a mother. This week, I reveal the answer I got from God after years of pleading to Him to make me a better mom.

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After I scream at one of my kids or slam the door in frustration over something they’ve done, I feel the most horrid feeling. It’s like my heart and soul are fighting to stay alive. I feel tight and hot and putrid in the center of my chest. Satan tells me I am not fit to be a mom. He whispers that, if I continue yelling at my children, my son in particular, they will hate me when they grow up and will have nothing to do with me. Then, the tears come, hot down my cheeks, and I just want to curl into a dark corner and stay there. It’s a disturbing feeling – the notion that your children might walk away from you one day and never look back.

I don’t want that.

Early on, I read all the articles I could find and talked to as many people as I dared to admit to that I frequently lost my temper with my children.

And, I cried. Storehouses of tears.

And, I prayed. Mountains of prayers. For God to take away my temper and make me stop yelling at my children. For them to still love me even after all my temper tantrums.

But then, I’d be right back in that place, that hot, angry place where I’d end up screaming again. And, I’d think, “why aren’t my prayers working?! Why am I still yelling so much?”

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Truthfully, the years have worn off the sharpest edges. I’ve learned better ways to interact or deal with disagreements or how to walk away. So, there has been some improvement, but it has been minuscule compared to what I wanted – a total transformation, a 180 degree turn…June Cleaver, maybe? 😉

I didn’t think God was answering my prayers if He didn’t make me stop yelling altogether…after all, that was what I asked for, cried for, in my prayers.

Then, a few years ago, I was in a Be Still Mama Bible study, and we read Stuck by Jennie Allen. In the study, Allen discusses 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 where Paul discloses the thorn in his flesh and how he has pleaded with God to take it away from him.

So, to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~ ESV

In essence, God told Paul no. God would not take away the thing that was tormenting Paul.

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Why not? Why would God say no to a fervent prayer from one of His children? Why wouldn’t He give relief when it was requested?

The answer was the same for Paul then as it is for me now: Without the thorn, Paul wouldn’t look to God as he should. Without my thorn, I wouldn’t lean on God as I should.

Our weaknesses, just like our strengths, are God-given – and they are both ultimately for God’s glory. We use our strengths to glorify Him, and we bring Him glory in our weaknesses as well.

How is that? That doesn’t make sense!

When we are weak – when we lose our tempers and yell at our children, for example – we must acknowledge our need for God.

When we read every possible child psychology and parenting article, scouring for something that will work, and we still yell, we come face-to-face with our need for God.

And we throw ourselves down at His feet. We beg forgiveness. We confess that we can’t do it alone. We ask Him to help us.

In our weakness, He is strong.

I remember the moment I came to that conclusion after completing the section in the Stuck study where Allen talked about Paul.

I KNEW in that moment that God said no to me, that the temper and outbursts were a thorn in my flesh that wasn’t going anywhere.

And, you know what? I was immediately at peace with it. Immediately! That was my confirmation that God was indeed saying no but that everything would be alright. God always gives peace.

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Now, this isn’t to say that God will always say no to our requests. Surely He’s said yes to some of yours as He has said yes to some of mine.

And, it isn’t to say that He’ll say no to you specifically about your temper and your interactions with your children. You may get a different answer.

What’s more, it isn’t to say that God won’t give me relief in some ways. He has. He has let me see better ways of interacting with my children that don’t always lead to meltdowns. There will probably be other breakthroughs and lessons to learn in the future as well. We are called to pray no matter what.

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What I am saying is, It’s ok to ask. It’s ok to plead and cry. However, if you pray and the answer is no, do not be discouraged. Accept God’s peace when He says no. Find solace in the fact that He is leaving the weakness so that you’ll lean into Him and grow closer to Him. He will get glory in some way, and that is in fact our ultimate purpose, to glorify God with our lives, even through parts we don’t like.

When has God told you no? What were you asking for? How did it feel when you realized that the answer to your prayer was no? I realize that these may be painful situations, but, if you are willing, please share as your stories can help others in similar situations.

*I’ll conclude A #parentingfail next week with Part 3.

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Afterword

I wanted to share some of the notes I took in the Stuck study after I realized God was telling me that He wasn’t going to take the thorn in my flesh. It was a kind of prayer that I journaled. Maybe it will help you, too.

It was written in response to the following instructions: Read about the apostle Paul’s stuck places. As you read, think about these two questions – “Who are you, Lord?” and “What do you want from me?” and journal your thoughts…

My response – Who are you, Lord? – a God full of grace – a God with enough grace for me and all the horrible things I have said, done, and thought. A God whose power is most evident when I am weak. When I know and accept that I am weak, I cannot brag and take credit for the blessings and good things in my life. I have to accept that these things have come from God.

What do you want from me? God wants me to allow myself to be weak. God wants me to lay the weaknesses on Him. God wants me to give Him the glory when He sustains me despite my weaknesses. The weaknesses allow me to see that I do need God. The weaknesses take the pressure off me – I don’t have to be perfect, strong…I can’t be those things. The weaknesses allow me to make room for God – to let Him take over.

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little things/BIG THINGS

March 16, 2018March 15, 2018 / hhooks / 3 Comments

What are some “little things” people have done for you that ended up making a big impact in your life? It could have been something your parents did when you were a child or a teacher did when you were in school. It might be something a co-worker or a neighbor or a complete stranger did. It doesn’t matter who did it; it just matters that it was something relatively small: it didn’t cost much money or take up a lot of time or warrant a great deal of planning. It was just something… little.

Have you ever done something fairly minuscule for someone else and found out in the end that it had become a significant occurrence in that person’s day, week, year, or entire life?!

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When we are the giver of the small thing, we don’t always get to see its influence; we may never know how or if it meant anything to that person at all…and that can be frustrating.

When my son Ethan started preschool, I began putting notes in his lunch box. When he was too young to read, I drew pictures or wrote simple things he could figure out on his own.

I might write “You are my” and draw a picture of a sunshine or write “I Love You” Photo Credit: Pinterest

As he got older and learned to read, I would write messages to inspire him or remind him that he was loved. I might write, “Ethan, remember that you are a child of the King,” or “Remember to smile at someone today,” or “You are my #1 boy.”

At some point, we realized he liked jokes, so I pinned a bunch of jokes onto a Pinterest board and would include one of those on occasion. (Currently, about 95% of his notes are jokes). Sometimes, I write the note to Ethan but prompt him to tell the joke to someone else – another kid in his class or even his teacher. On the front of the paper, I might write, “Ethan, ask Nathan if he knows how bees get to school?” Then, on the back, I write the answer: On the school buzzzzz.

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Every once in a while, I’d ask him about the message or the joke on the note. Many times, he’d say he didn’t remember. Occasionally, he’d admit that he hadn’t even looked at it. 😦

I was getting fed up, honestly. It wasn’t that it took a long time to write the note (and if I was smart, I would have written it the night before, but I’m not that smart), but it was another task to check off the list as I was ushering the kids toward the door each morning with book bags in tow. To be met each afternoon with “I don’t know” or “I didn’t look at it” when I asked about the note was just too much.

After a while, I made up my mind that I was going to stop doing it. If he didn’t care enough to read it, I certainly wasn’t going to waste the 5 minutes or less it took me to do it each morning. I could devote that time to more yelling about putting on shoes and finding coats 🙂

Then I went to school and ate lunch with him one day.

I was NOT expecting what happened the moment he sat down and unzipped his lunch box. Immediately, several hands shot across the table attempting to be the first to snatch the little blue Post-it note from the jumble of plastic food containers.

I watched in awe as first one friend and then another read the joke and passed it down. Kids all over the table were asking to read the joke! (I have found out since then that his 1st grade teacher will still stop by the table and ask to read the joke if she is in the cafeteria when his third grade class comes in)!

I was flabbergasted! My eyes teared up! Here, I thought that he didn’t care about the note! I was going to stop writing one! However, it seemed to be a big deal for his classmates and for him. Plus, it put a HUGE grin on his face! I looked over at him as the joke was being passed around; kids were reading it aloud, snickering, and passing it onto the next person asking to read it, and he was beaming! His smile was so big that his cheeks had squished his eyes into slits (although it isn’t hard for his cheeks to squish his eyes when he smiles. He has my smile, bless his heart, and even a very small smile renders our eyes almost nonexistent).

In that moment, I decided that I would write a joke for his lunch box every day if I accomplished nothing else.

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I was blessed to see the fruit of this small gesture – how it impacted my son and his classmates. Now, there is no way I’ll stop doing it…well, that isn’t true. He may ask me to stop when he gets older and becomes embarrassed about such things, and I guess then I’ll do what he wants, but until then, I am writing the note!

Every once in a while, I still slip in a little inspirational message. I figure I’ll get one or two kids before they figure out it isn’t a joke. And maybe that first kid who snatches the note and reads even something so simple as, “Jesus Loves YOU” will be affected by that – maybe not in that moment but someday, somehow.

What is something small someone has done for you? Have you told that person how much you appreciate the gesture, the gift, the kind words? Do it! It will only take a moment, but it is so pleasant to know that what you’re doing matters.

What is something small you do for someone else? Does it seem that your efforts don’t matter? Do you think about throwing up your hands in defeat? Reconsider! You may never know the impact that small something is having on the recipient or even a bystander, but keep it up.

Most of the time the blessing of giving falls more on the giver anyway.

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